The last hurrah

Well, we have done the last IUI - after that, we will no longer try with medical help. My husband has been taking Zinc and Amino acids and it has helped with the quantity of sperm. A little bit also with the motility. So, here's hoping and praying.

The journey continues

Well, I couldn't leave things as they were. I asked my husband to do 2 more rounds of IUI - Interaunterine Insemination. He agreed. We have done our first out of two and like all the others, it was unsuccessful.

I had a different outlook this time... less hopeful but still optimistic. Does that make sense?
I only told two people, my friend Donna b/c I had to phone the fertility specialist from her place and my parents b/c we stayed there. But the less I tell, the better it is I believe.

I still have trouble coming to terms with our infertility. I have a always wanted to be a mom over anything else but it just isn't happening. Our fertility specialist has a sign about a support group. I may join it as I really think I need to talk to someone and just let out all the tears.

one month ago

One month ago, I got the news that confirmed that IVF did not work. It has been a tough month. There are so many of my friends/acquaintances that are having babies - 2 recently born and one announcement of pregnancy. It is so hard. I am happy for them and wish them the best but I really want to be in their shoes. I really do. Maybe I should go off Facebook so I won't have to know - but then again, I want to share in their joy. But I really want that joy too.

No miracle occurred for us this month.

Can I just hide?

Dreams Dashed

It has been 3 weeks since the last post. I am not pregnant. What a horrible week that was. I cried and cried. I was so sure it would be successful but it was not.

I figured that was it. But seeing kids, it breaks my heart. I just want to cry and hide.

However, I always have a bit of hope.

I know weight plays and issue in fertility. I am going to lose weight.
D and I are going to go to the natural path and see if there is anything that Dan can take that is natural.

If the Dr. agrees to do one more round of IUI, we will do it in the summer.

I am NOT telling anyone.

Am I a fool? Who knows but I do have to try this one more time.

Happy Valentine's Day??

I woke up this morning and took a pregnancy test. It was negative. A few hours later, I notice some light pink/brown spotting. Today is awful. I can't stop crying. I know it is not final until I get my blood test on Thursday (it's now Sunday) but I can't help feeling that this didn't work out.
Why not? I have been praying daily since I started the IVF drugs. Some believe in prayer.
I know my family and friends have been praying, crossing fingers, sending good wishes and all that.
The nurse from the fertility clinic called b/c I am still calling in with my stats. They are so nice and I want to cry again when I talk to them. She said that as long as it's only spotting, that is good.
How am I going to get through this day... waiting to see if I remain spotting or get my full flow?
What am I going to do? Am I going to have my dream come true? Or not? What next.

The wait begins

I have done my one and only round of IVF. They harvested 24 eggs on Monday, Feb 1. I got some nice drugs, and IV, and a very dry mouth. The needle I was so dreading was much better than getting a needle from the dentist in your mouth. I was able to see them harvest the eggs - it was pretty cool. I did not feel sore due to the procedure but I felt sore due to the over-enlarged ovaries.

So, we kept getting updates.
Day 0: Out of the 24 eggs, 21 were fertilized
Day 1: 16 fertilized eggs are at the 2-cell stage
Day 3: We were called it to have the implantation b/c they felt this was the best time (not the optimum time though - that would have been Day 5).

We go to Genesis and are told that I will have 4 embryos implanted. They have graded them as a "C" - again, not as good as a A or B but pregnancies have resulted from C grades. They also mentioned that the 9 remaining embryos will stay in a culture till day 6. If any survive, they will be frozen for use at a future date - but they said this was unlikely. Sigh, our sperm and eggs are not doing as well.
They gave us a picture of our 4 embryos - Larry, Curly, Moe, and Suzie

Anyway, the implantation was cool! Other than the speculum, we were able to see the catheter with the embryos go in and be implanted in my uterus. It looked like a star. If we are blessed with a pregnancy I will always remember this. Now it is a waiting game.

On the more not so good side, my ovaries are hyper stimulated - they are bigger than my bladder! In addition, I have fluid in my pelvic region. I was in a lot of pain and very bloated. I am now on a restricted liquid intake (nothing like being told you can't drink something or too much and how thirsty you become). I also have to measure my 'girth' and my weight daily and report it. What I can drink: Gatorade and Boost; juice and milk; but NOT tea or water.

So, I went back to work today. I felt good and I felt bad throughout the day. If this results in a pregnancy, it is worth it. If it doesn't, it was worth it to try but this attempt would be our last.

Now we wait.

Wow, a lot has happened.

To make a long story short, they harvested 24! eggs from me. They were surprised with that many for my age. 21 of those eggs got fertilized and on day 1, 16 of those eggs were at the 2 cell stage. I am now waiting for my call this Thursday to find out how many embryos there are and if I get implanted Thursday or Saturday - Saturday being the best time.

The negative side - because my ovaries have produced so many eggs, they are over stimulated. I am suffering from mild Ovary Hyperstimulated Syndrome. It is not fun. I hurt - I hurt to walk, lay down, and just be. The doctor has given me a prescription to hopefully settle them down. I hope it works fast. This is not fun.

In fact, if we had planned to do IVF 2x, I would seriously consider not doing it because of how I feel.

Having said that, I am excited to see where we go from here.

cautious hope

Well, I am well into my injections - incredible how easy it is to do! I do have a couple of beautiful bruises though.

At the moment, I am on a medical leave because I had to leave town to go to the next town to be monitored via both blood tests and internal ultrasounds - ever had one of them?

Anyway, they are WOW happy at how my ovaries have responded. I guess it is not all that common for a woman of my age (42) to have as many follicles as I do. Even the fertility clinic in Vancouver is impressed. My doctor mentioned to her nurse that 'Didn't Dr. So & So say that women in their 40's don't get hyper stimulated ovaries?" Well, I proved him wrong. Yay!

So, after 2 ultrasounds and hearing the responses from the doctor, I am feeling cautiously optimistic. Now, I just have to wait for the next step - where they send me to Vancouver for harvesting and the rest of IVF.

One one final note, many years ago, there was great controversy about Louise Brown - the first test tube baby - thank you to her and her team b/c my dream of becoming a mom is possible because of her.

The injections begin

Wow, I now know how to give myself needles - not so bad actually. I was really nervous on my first day because I had to mix the drug myself. My hands shook. When I injected myself with the hormone, it went well.... but I sure made a beautiful bruise. The following injections have been pretty bruise free.

Today, I started the Gonal F as well as the Lupron so that makes 4 injections a day.

I am so scared that this won't work and we have a good chance that it won't; but it is our best chance. I am going to stay positive and think positive thoughts.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is it

Well, this is it. Tomorrow I start giving myself injections to start my IVF cycle which will send me to Kelowna and then Vancouver, where I hope a miracle will happen.
Today, I just realized that thanks to 'Louise Brown', I believe the first test tube baby, I have a chance at becoming pregnant.
On the other hand, I am petrified - not becoming a mom, as I always felt that was one person I am supposed to be but scared that what if this doesn't work out; what about the gigantic cost we are incurring for our slim hope? I know I will feel some guilt feelings on that.
On the positive side, on which I try to stay, this is our best chance.

If anyone out there reads this, wish us luck and say a few prayers.