The last hurrah

Well, we have done the last IUI - after that, we will no longer try with medical help. My husband has been taking Zinc and Amino acids and it has helped with the quantity of sperm. A little bit also with the motility. So, here's hoping and praying.

The journey continues

Well, I couldn't leave things as they were. I asked my husband to do 2 more rounds of IUI - Interaunterine Insemination. He agreed. We have done our first out of two and like all the others, it was unsuccessful.

I had a different outlook this time... less hopeful but still optimistic. Does that make sense?
I only told two people, my friend Donna b/c I had to phone the fertility specialist from her place and my parents b/c we stayed there. But the less I tell, the better it is I believe.

I still have trouble coming to terms with our infertility. I have a always wanted to be a mom over anything else but it just isn't happening. Our fertility specialist has a sign about a support group. I may join it as I really think I need to talk to someone and just let out all the tears.

one month ago

One month ago, I got the news that confirmed that IVF did not work. It has been a tough month. There are so many of my friends/acquaintances that are having babies - 2 recently born and one announcement of pregnancy. It is so hard. I am happy for them and wish them the best but I really want to be in their shoes. I really do. Maybe I should go off Facebook so I won't have to know - but then again, I want to share in their joy. But I really want that joy too.

No miracle occurred for us this month.

Can I just hide?

Dreams Dashed

It has been 3 weeks since the last post. I am not pregnant. What a horrible week that was. I cried and cried. I was so sure it would be successful but it was not.

I figured that was it. But seeing kids, it breaks my heart. I just want to cry and hide.

However, I always have a bit of hope.

I know weight plays and issue in fertility. I am going to lose weight.
D and I are going to go to the natural path and see if there is anything that Dan can take that is natural.

If the Dr. agrees to do one more round of IUI, we will do it in the summer.

I am NOT telling anyone.

Am I a fool? Who knows but I do have to try this one more time.

Happy Valentine's Day??

I woke up this morning and took a pregnancy test. It was negative. A few hours later, I notice some light pink/brown spotting. Today is awful. I can't stop crying. I know it is not final until I get my blood test on Thursday (it's now Sunday) but I can't help feeling that this didn't work out.
Why not? I have been praying daily since I started the IVF drugs. Some believe in prayer.
I know my family and friends have been praying, crossing fingers, sending good wishes and all that.
The nurse from the fertility clinic called b/c I am still calling in with my stats. They are so nice and I want to cry again when I talk to them. She said that as long as it's only spotting, that is good.
How am I going to get through this day... waiting to see if I remain spotting or get my full flow?
What am I going to do? Am I going to have my dream come true? Or not? What next.

The wait begins

I have done my one and only round of IVF. They harvested 24 eggs on Monday, Feb 1. I got some nice drugs, and IV, and a very dry mouth. The needle I was so dreading was much better than getting a needle from the dentist in your mouth. I was able to see them harvest the eggs - it was pretty cool. I did not feel sore due to the procedure but I felt sore due to the over-enlarged ovaries.

So, we kept getting updates.
Day 0: Out of the 24 eggs, 21 were fertilized
Day 1: 16 fertilized eggs are at the 2-cell stage
Day 3: We were called it to have the implantation b/c they felt this was the best time (not the optimum time though - that would have been Day 5).

We go to Genesis and are told that I will have 4 embryos implanted. They have graded them as a "C" - again, not as good as a A or B but pregnancies have resulted from C grades. They also mentioned that the 9 remaining embryos will stay in a culture till day 6. If any survive, they will be frozen for use at a future date - but they said this was unlikely. Sigh, our sperm and eggs are not doing as well.
They gave us a picture of our 4 embryos - Larry, Curly, Moe, and Suzie

Anyway, the implantation was cool! Other than the speculum, we were able to see the catheter with the embryos go in and be implanted in my uterus. It looked like a star. If we are blessed with a pregnancy I will always remember this. Now it is a waiting game.

On the more not so good side, my ovaries are hyper stimulated - they are bigger than my bladder! In addition, I have fluid in my pelvic region. I was in a lot of pain and very bloated. I am now on a restricted liquid intake (nothing like being told you can't drink something or too much and how thirsty you become). I also have to measure my 'girth' and my weight daily and report it. What I can drink: Gatorade and Boost; juice and milk; but NOT tea or water.

So, I went back to work today. I felt good and I felt bad throughout the day. If this results in a pregnancy, it is worth it. If it doesn't, it was worth it to try but this attempt would be our last.

Now we wait.

Wow, a lot has happened.

To make a long story short, they harvested 24! eggs from me. They were surprised with that many for my age. 21 of those eggs got fertilized and on day 1, 16 of those eggs were at the 2 cell stage. I am now waiting for my call this Thursday to find out how many embryos there are and if I get implanted Thursday or Saturday - Saturday being the best time.

The negative side - because my ovaries have produced so many eggs, they are over stimulated. I am suffering from mild Ovary Hyperstimulated Syndrome. It is not fun. I hurt - I hurt to walk, lay down, and just be. The doctor has given me a prescription to hopefully settle them down. I hope it works fast. This is not fun.

In fact, if we had planned to do IVF 2x, I would seriously consider not doing it because of how I feel.

Having said that, I am excited to see where we go from here.

cautious hope

Well, I am well into my injections - incredible how easy it is to do! I do have a couple of beautiful bruises though.

At the moment, I am on a medical leave because I had to leave town to go to the next town to be monitored via both blood tests and internal ultrasounds - ever had one of them?

Anyway, they are WOW happy at how my ovaries have responded. I guess it is not all that common for a woman of my age (42) to have as many follicles as I do. Even the fertility clinic in Vancouver is impressed. My doctor mentioned to her nurse that 'Didn't Dr. So & So say that women in their 40's don't get hyper stimulated ovaries?" Well, I proved him wrong. Yay!

So, after 2 ultrasounds and hearing the responses from the doctor, I am feeling cautiously optimistic. Now, I just have to wait for the next step - where they send me to Vancouver for harvesting and the rest of IVF.

One one final note, many years ago, there was great controversy about Louise Brown - the first test tube baby - thank you to her and her team b/c my dream of becoming a mom is possible because of her.

The injections begin

Wow, I now know how to give myself needles - not so bad actually. I was really nervous on my first day because I had to mix the drug myself. My hands shook. When I injected myself with the hormone, it went well.... but I sure made a beautiful bruise. The following injections have been pretty bruise free.

Today, I started the Gonal F as well as the Lupron so that makes 4 injections a day.

I am so scared that this won't work and we have a good chance that it won't; but it is our best chance. I am going to stay positive and think positive thoughts.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is it

Well, this is it. Tomorrow I start giving myself injections to start my IVF cycle which will send me to Kelowna and then Vancouver, where I hope a miracle will happen.
Today, I just realized that thanks to 'Louise Brown', I believe the first test tube baby, I have a chance at becoming pregnant.
On the other hand, I am petrified - not becoming a mom, as I always felt that was one person I am supposed to be but scared that what if this doesn't work out; what about the gigantic cost we are incurring for our slim hope? I know I will feel some guilt feelings on that.
On the positive side, on which I try to stay, this is our best chance.

If anyone out there reads this, wish us luck and say a few prayers.

Faded Hope

Ironically, my last post was all about hope. Unfortunately, my current hope, that a miracle would happen this month and I would be pregnant naturally has been dashed today. I have feelings of tears and regsignededness (I know that is not a word, but for lack of a better one).

I know I will bounce back and have hope again but right now, I am going to let the feelings flow.

pregnancy tests and never ending hope

Well, I haven't counted, but I am sure I have used a zillion pregnancy tests all with the never ending hope that I see the + sign or the "pregnant" sign. Even if I feel the symptoms of my period coming on, I am in complete denial that it will come - sort of; more like never ending hope that my body is wrong. I don't care what those little sticks say - until my period starts, there is hope. But boy, when that hope is squashed, it is squashed good... until the next cycle. Again, always hoping for that miracle that my husband and I will be able to conceive naturally; all in the hope that we won't have to go through IVF; because really, that will be my final chance and then there will be no hope... unless that works :)

Here's to hoping and having the opportunity to hope.

The counselling session

Well, on a Tuesday night, we got in the car and drove 4 hours to Kelowna - for a counselling appointment the next day - for 1 hour. Sigh. The appointment went well. The Dr. felt we were solid in our relationship that we can get through the stresses of IVF. After we left, we felt it wasn't all that helpful. I thought we would be asked questions on how to deal with the financial aspect; the emotional aspect if it does not work etc. We lightly touched on our relationship and options in case it doesn't' work. We felt the Dr. talked more about herself! But in the end, I had one positive feeling - she validated my thoughts/feelings - the ones that I have from the time I ovulate to the time I get my period - the hope, the what if's, the is this a PMS symptom or a pregnancy symptom. That ever strong hope that a miracle has occurred and I am pregnant.

So, after the appointment, a few errands, we got back into the car and drove back home in snow and clear weather. A week later, we will return to see family for Christmas.

IVF School

InVitro Fertilization - we went to 'school' for it. Not really but it was a 2 hour, very interesting session.
Let me back up for a minute. We had our appointment with the fertility doctor. I had to get an ultrasound on my ovaries first. Well, this isn't the typical ultrasound. I did not have to drink water, get gel on my belly, and have the ultra sound. No, this was an INTERNAL ultra sound. Basically, the wand is nothing more than an expensive slim, dildo, with a condom on it with gel. And yes, it is inserted into me and voila, there are my ovaries. Unfortunately, one ovary has a mass on it. The doctor isn't too concerned because it was never there before and a side effect of Chlomid (which I took 3 cycles of), water filled cysts are a common occurrence. However, before we can move on to IVF, it has to be confirmed to what it is and will it dissolve. So, on Tuesday, I go for the traditional ultrasound - have to drink 1 L of water 1 hour before the appointment - groan.

Back to IVF school. Wow, there is a lot of info. It is amazing what these drugs can do. I will be taking some to repress my pituitary gland from talking to my ovaries, then other drugs to produce as many egg follicles as possible, then the harvesting of them (which is not going to be fun), the incubating of them and then the implantation. Being Catholic, I can see why the church can be against this as it is not natural whatsoever; but as a woman who so wants a child and this is my only choice, I'll do it. I am at peace with my decision.

I do have to give myself multiple injections - (daily!) when we go ahead. I was not aloud to leave until I showed that I could do this with the practice kit - yes, a real needle - for anyone out there squirming at this thought like I did, it really isn't too bad.

So, that was IVF school. Unfortunately, because of the Christmas holidays and my normal cycle, we will have to wait till January - but that gives us 2 cycles of hoping for a natural miracle.

I hope and pray that will happen.

The baby desire

Well, for over 2 years we have been trying to have a baby. It isn't going well. I am 'old' and the sperm count is low. We have tried to get pregnant naturally - no go, so we went through a low cost fertility method (if you call 300 dollars low cost) but that involved me taking Clomid to have more chance at ovulationg and D providing a sample that got washed and then... think turkey baster. We tried this 3 x and nothing.

Right now, we await our visit to the fertility doctor to go to the next stage - IVF. Expensive and our last hope, unless some miracle happens and we get pregnant naturally.

Speaking of which, I am in that 'wait' zone. I did the pee stick yesterday morning and nothing but my hope is ever so strong that some miracle has happened and until I get my period, the hope stays alive.

Today, I was at the dentist and there was a picture of my dentist with her new baby girl. I wish her all the best and am happy for her but I have to admit the thought of "why can't this be me?" and "will this be me?" was overwhelming.

Update

Well, it sure has been a long time since I blogged... it is amazing how fast the time goes. I have been thinking about blogging again as an outlet for... stuff, specifically fertility stuff.

I don't know if anyone will read this but I feel I must write down something.

Anyway, to start, this past July 2009 I finished my Master's in Deaf Ed. What an achievement I think! I am so happy and I enjoyed it immensely. I had the pleasure of rooming with 3 other Master DHH students but they were just beginning. I was a bit envious about the journey they are to embark on as there has been some changes to the program, but, I am glad I am finished.

The other adventure Dan and I have embarked on is trying to start a family... this is where major hurdles are occurring and which will be the topic of my next posting and possible the next postings after that.

So, if you are interested, stay tuned. If not, no worries.

the good and the bad

Wow, it has been a long time writing - Life with Dan is pretty darn good. I am still working on my Master's but I will be finished at the end of July 2009! I will then be able to celebrate my anniversary with my husband next year - for our fourth.

The bad - we have been trying to have a baby. No such luck. We have moved to the next step to get medical intervention to help us achieve this. Our first try with help will be in August. I sure hope it works. It is the least expensive so we hope it works. We will try 3 rounds of this before the big IVF.

One of the hardest thing to deal with is the waiting when we were attempting just with the two of us. The other is not to get depressed and then lament of the unfairness of it all - be it real or imagined.
So, if anyone out there reads this, please send happy thoughts, prayers, and talk to whatever power that is that we will be successful in creating a beautiful new life.

Back in Trail

Well, I left my last blog as my departure to UBC and now I have returned. UBC is great with the nice weather and not even too bad with the wet. We did have more sun than not. Classes were great but it is even greater to be home - even with a cold.

One of the first things I did was read my new Harry Potter book that was waiting for me at home. I just finished it today. It was very good.

Slowly but surely, I have been unpacking and working on bits of the house that I want to get done. I want to re-organize my desk so that I am all ready to start up again in September.

Dan and I are planning our holiday to Alberta that we start next week... a bit late but who cares. It will be just the two of us exploring and our first vacation together.

Hope everyone's summer is going great.

No Turning Back

Well, here it goes. Today is my last day in Trail before I take off to Vancouver every July for the next 3 of them. I officially start my Master's Degree in Deaf Ed. I am so looking forward to it (except that I will miss Dan and Mouse terribly) but I have worked in my job for 1 year now and it is time to get the 'school learning' started rather than invaluable 'hands on' experience.

I feel like I am packing my house with the list of things I need to bring. I was trying to go there with a light load. Oh well.

I am busy cleaning up the house before I leave in hopes that it will look that way when I get back. What happens in between, I don't care, I just want to come back to a tidy house.

I will still be checking in. Happy July and Canada Day.

Angela

The Olive Garden

We just came back from a weekend in Spokane. It was great - well, the hotel wasn't - but everything else was. I can't believe my husband when it comes to shopping for what he is looking for... he takes so long! I have had enough of surplus and liquidation stores. I got my thrills from Victoria Secret and shoe stores. My only requirement was for us to go to the Olive Garden. Has anyone been? If you like pasta and good food, that is a great place to go. I love it.

Research course is done! Yippee! And one week from today, I will be in Vancouver. Oh, wow, the time has flown so fast.