cautious hope

Well, I am well into my injections - incredible how easy it is to do! I do have a couple of beautiful bruises though.

At the moment, I am on a medical leave because I had to leave town to go to the next town to be monitored via both blood tests and internal ultrasounds - ever had one of them?

Anyway, they are WOW happy at how my ovaries have responded. I guess it is not all that common for a woman of my age (42) to have as many follicles as I do. Even the fertility clinic in Vancouver is impressed. My doctor mentioned to her nurse that 'Didn't Dr. So & So say that women in their 40's don't get hyper stimulated ovaries?" Well, I proved him wrong. Yay!

So, after 2 ultrasounds and hearing the responses from the doctor, I am feeling cautiously optimistic. Now, I just have to wait for the next step - where they send me to Vancouver for harvesting and the rest of IVF.

One one final note, many years ago, there was great controversy about Louise Brown - the first test tube baby - thank you to her and her team b/c my dream of becoming a mom is possible because of her.

The injections begin

Wow, I now know how to give myself needles - not so bad actually. I was really nervous on my first day because I had to mix the drug myself. My hands shook. When I injected myself with the hormone, it went well.... but I sure made a beautiful bruise. The following injections have been pretty bruise free.

Today, I started the Gonal F as well as the Lupron so that makes 4 injections a day.

I am so scared that this won't work and we have a good chance that it won't; but it is our best chance. I am going to stay positive and think positive thoughts.

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This is it

Well, this is it. Tomorrow I start giving myself injections to start my IVF cycle which will send me to Kelowna and then Vancouver, where I hope a miracle will happen.
Today, I just realized that thanks to 'Louise Brown', I believe the first test tube baby, I have a chance at becoming pregnant.
On the other hand, I am petrified - not becoming a mom, as I always felt that was one person I am supposed to be but scared that what if this doesn't work out; what about the gigantic cost we are incurring for our slim hope? I know I will feel some guilt feelings on that.
On the positive side, on which I try to stay, this is our best chance.

If anyone out there reads this, wish us luck and say a few prayers.

Faded Hope

Ironically, my last post was all about hope. Unfortunately, my current hope, that a miracle would happen this month and I would be pregnant naturally has been dashed today. I have feelings of tears and regsignededness (I know that is not a word, but for lack of a better one).

I know I will bounce back and have hope again but right now, I am going to let the feelings flow.

pregnancy tests and never ending hope

Well, I haven't counted, but I am sure I have used a zillion pregnancy tests all with the never ending hope that I see the + sign or the "pregnant" sign. Even if I feel the symptoms of my period coming on, I am in complete denial that it will come - sort of; more like never ending hope that my body is wrong. I don't care what those little sticks say - until my period starts, there is hope. But boy, when that hope is squashed, it is squashed good... until the next cycle. Again, always hoping for that miracle that my husband and I will be able to conceive naturally; all in the hope that we won't have to go through IVF; because really, that will be my final chance and then there will be no hope... unless that works :)

Here's to hoping and having the opportunity to hope.

The counselling session

Well, on a Tuesday night, we got in the car and drove 4 hours to Kelowna - for a counselling appointment the next day - for 1 hour. Sigh. The appointment went well. The Dr. felt we were solid in our relationship that we can get through the stresses of IVF. After we left, we felt it wasn't all that helpful. I thought we would be asked questions on how to deal with the financial aspect; the emotional aspect if it does not work etc. We lightly touched on our relationship and options in case it doesn't' work. We felt the Dr. talked more about herself! But in the end, I had one positive feeling - she validated my thoughts/feelings - the ones that I have from the time I ovulate to the time I get my period - the hope, the what if's, the is this a PMS symptom or a pregnancy symptom. That ever strong hope that a miracle has occurred and I am pregnant.

So, after the appointment, a few errands, we got back into the car and drove back home in snow and clear weather. A week later, we will return to see family for Christmas.

IVF School

InVitro Fertilization - we went to 'school' for it. Not really but it was a 2 hour, very interesting session.
Let me back up for a minute. We had our appointment with the fertility doctor. I had to get an ultrasound on my ovaries first. Well, this isn't the typical ultrasound. I did not have to drink water, get gel on my belly, and have the ultra sound. No, this was an INTERNAL ultra sound. Basically, the wand is nothing more than an expensive slim, dildo, with a condom on it with gel. And yes, it is inserted into me and voila, there are my ovaries. Unfortunately, one ovary has a mass on it. The doctor isn't too concerned because it was never there before and a side effect of Chlomid (which I took 3 cycles of), water filled cysts are a common occurrence. However, before we can move on to IVF, it has to be confirmed to what it is and will it dissolve. So, on Tuesday, I go for the traditional ultrasound - have to drink 1 L of water 1 hour before the appointment - groan.

Back to IVF school. Wow, there is a lot of info. It is amazing what these drugs can do. I will be taking some to repress my pituitary gland from talking to my ovaries, then other drugs to produce as many egg follicles as possible, then the harvesting of them (which is not going to be fun), the incubating of them and then the implantation. Being Catholic, I can see why the church can be against this as it is not natural whatsoever; but as a woman who so wants a child and this is my only choice, I'll do it. I am at peace with my decision.

I do have to give myself multiple injections - (daily!) when we go ahead. I was not aloud to leave until I showed that I could do this with the practice kit - yes, a real needle - for anyone out there squirming at this thought like I did, it really isn't too bad.

So, that was IVF school. Unfortunately, because of the Christmas holidays and my normal cycle, we will have to wait till January - but that gives us 2 cycles of hoping for a natural miracle.

I hope and pray that will happen.