Faded Hope

Ironically, my last post was all about hope. Unfortunately, my current hope, that a miracle would happen this month and I would be pregnant naturally has been dashed today. I have feelings of tears and regsignededness (I know that is not a word, but for lack of a better one).

I know I will bounce back and have hope again but right now, I am going to let the feelings flow.

pregnancy tests and never ending hope

Well, I haven't counted, but I am sure I have used a zillion pregnancy tests all with the never ending hope that I see the + sign or the "pregnant" sign. Even if I feel the symptoms of my period coming on, I am in complete denial that it will come - sort of; more like never ending hope that my body is wrong. I don't care what those little sticks say - until my period starts, there is hope. But boy, when that hope is squashed, it is squashed good... until the next cycle. Again, always hoping for that miracle that my husband and I will be able to conceive naturally; all in the hope that we won't have to go through IVF; because really, that will be my final chance and then there will be no hope... unless that works :)

Here's to hoping and having the opportunity to hope.

The counselling session

Well, on a Tuesday night, we got in the car and drove 4 hours to Kelowna - for a counselling appointment the next day - for 1 hour. Sigh. The appointment went well. The Dr. felt we were solid in our relationship that we can get through the stresses of IVF. After we left, we felt it wasn't all that helpful. I thought we would be asked questions on how to deal with the financial aspect; the emotional aspect if it does not work etc. We lightly touched on our relationship and options in case it doesn't' work. We felt the Dr. talked more about herself! But in the end, I had one positive feeling - she validated my thoughts/feelings - the ones that I have from the time I ovulate to the time I get my period - the hope, the what if's, the is this a PMS symptom or a pregnancy symptom. That ever strong hope that a miracle has occurred and I am pregnant.

So, after the appointment, a few errands, we got back into the car and drove back home in snow and clear weather. A week later, we will return to see family for Christmas.