Ironically, my last post was all about hope. Unfortunately, my current hope, that a miracle would happen this month and I would be pregnant naturally has been dashed today. I have feelings of tears and regsignededness (I know that is not a word, but for lack of a better one).
I know I will bounce back and have hope again but right now, I am going to let the feelings flow.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
pregnancy tests and never ending hope
Well, I haven't counted, but I am sure I have used a zillion pregnancy tests all with the never ending hope that I see the + sign or the "pregnant" sign. Even if I feel the symptoms of my period coming on, I am in complete denial that it will come - sort of; more like never ending hope that my body is wrong. I don't care what those little sticks say - until my period starts, there is hope. But boy, when that hope is squashed, it is squashed good... until the next cycle. Again, always hoping for that miracle that my husband and I will be able to conceive naturally; all in the hope that we won't have to go through IVF; because really, that will be my final chance and then there will be no hope... unless that works :)
Here's to hoping and having the opportunity to hope.
Here's to hoping and having the opportunity to hope.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
The counselling session
Well, on a Tuesday night, we got in the car and drove 4 hours to Kelowna - for a counselling appointment the next day - for 1 hour. Sigh. The appointment went well. The Dr. felt we were solid in our relationship that we can get through the stresses of IVF. After we left, we felt it wasn't all that helpful. I thought we would be asked questions on how to deal with the financial aspect; the emotional aspect if it does not work etc. We lightly touched on our relationship and options in case it doesn't' work. We felt the Dr. talked more about herself! But in the end, I had one positive feeling - she validated my thoughts/feelings - the ones that I have from the time I ovulate to the time I get my period - the hope, the what if's, the is this a PMS symptom or a pregnancy symptom. That ever strong hope that a miracle has occurred and I am pregnant.
So, after the appointment, a few errands, we got back into the car and drove back home in snow and clear weather. A week later, we will return to see family for Christmas.
So, after the appointment, a few errands, we got back into the car and drove back home in snow and clear weather. A week later, we will return to see family for Christmas.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
IVF School
InVitro Fertilization - we went to 'school' for it. Not really but it was a 2 hour, very interesting session.
Let me back up for a minute. We had our appointment with the fertility doctor. I had to get an ultrasound on my ovaries first. Well, this isn't the typical ultrasound. I did not have to drink water, get gel on my belly, and have the ultra sound. No, this was an INTERNAL ultra sound. Basically, the wand is nothing more than an expensive slim, dildo, with a condom on it with gel. And yes, it is inserted into me and voila, there are my ovaries. Unfortunately, one ovary has a mass on it. The doctor isn't too concerned because it was never there before and a side effect of Chlomid (which I took 3 cycles of), water filled cysts are a common occurrence. However, before we can move on to IVF, it has to be confirmed to what it is and will it dissolve. So, on Tuesday, I go for the traditional ultrasound - have to drink 1 L of water 1 hour before the appointment - groan.
Back to IVF school. Wow, there is a lot of info. It is amazing what these drugs can do. I will be taking some to repress my pituitary gland from talking to my ovaries, then other drugs to produce as many egg follicles as possible, then the harvesting of them (which is not going to be fun), the incubating of them and then the implantation. Being Catholic, I can see why the church can be against this as it is not natural whatsoever; but as a woman who so wants a child and this is my only choice, I'll do it. I am at peace with my decision.
I do have to give myself multiple injections - (daily!) when we go ahead. I was not aloud to leave until I showed that I could do this with the practice kit - yes, a real needle - for anyone out there squirming at this thought like I did, it really isn't too bad.
So, that was IVF school. Unfortunately, because of the Christmas holidays and my normal cycle, we will have to wait till January - but that gives us 2 cycles of hoping for a natural miracle.
I hope and pray that will happen.
Let me back up for a minute. We had our appointment with the fertility doctor. I had to get an ultrasound on my ovaries first. Well, this isn't the typical ultrasound. I did not have to drink water, get gel on my belly, and have the ultra sound. No, this was an INTERNAL ultra sound. Basically, the wand is nothing more than an expensive slim, dildo, with a condom on it with gel. And yes, it is inserted into me and voila, there are my ovaries. Unfortunately, one ovary has a mass on it. The doctor isn't too concerned because it was never there before and a side effect of Chlomid (which I took 3 cycles of), water filled cysts are a common occurrence. However, before we can move on to IVF, it has to be confirmed to what it is and will it dissolve. So, on Tuesday, I go for the traditional ultrasound - have to drink 1 L of water 1 hour before the appointment - groan.
Back to IVF school. Wow, there is a lot of info. It is amazing what these drugs can do. I will be taking some to repress my pituitary gland from talking to my ovaries, then other drugs to produce as many egg follicles as possible, then the harvesting of them (which is not going to be fun), the incubating of them and then the implantation. Being Catholic, I can see why the church can be against this as it is not natural whatsoever; but as a woman who so wants a child and this is my only choice, I'll do it. I am at peace with my decision.
I do have to give myself multiple injections - (daily!) when we go ahead. I was not aloud to leave until I showed that I could do this with the practice kit - yes, a real needle - for anyone out there squirming at this thought like I did, it really isn't too bad.
So, that was IVF school. Unfortunately, because of the Christmas holidays and my normal cycle, we will have to wait till January - but that gives us 2 cycles of hoping for a natural miracle.
I hope and pray that will happen.
Friday, November 20, 2009
The baby desire
Well, for over 2 years we have been trying to have a baby. It isn't going well. I am 'old' and the sperm count is low. We have tried to get pregnant naturally - no go, so we went through a low cost fertility method (if you call 300 dollars low cost) but that involved me taking Clomid to have more chance at ovulationg and D providing a sample that got washed and then... think turkey baster. We tried this 3 x and nothing.
Right now, we await our visit to the fertility doctor to go to the next stage - IVF. Expensive and our last hope, unless some miracle happens and we get pregnant naturally.
Speaking of which, I am in that 'wait' zone. I did the pee stick yesterday morning and nothing but my hope is ever so strong that some miracle has happened and until I get my period, the hope stays alive.
Today, I was at the dentist and there was a picture of my dentist with her new baby girl. I wish her all the best and am happy for her but I have to admit the thought of "why can't this be me?" and "will this be me?" was overwhelming.
Right now, we await our visit to the fertility doctor to go to the next stage - IVF. Expensive and our last hope, unless some miracle happens and we get pregnant naturally.
Speaking of which, I am in that 'wait' zone. I did the pee stick yesterday morning and nothing but my hope is ever so strong that some miracle has happened and until I get my period, the hope stays alive.
Today, I was at the dentist and there was a picture of my dentist with her new baby girl. I wish her all the best and am happy for her but I have to admit the thought of "why can't this be me?" and "will this be me?" was overwhelming.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Update
Well, it sure has been a long time since I blogged... it is amazing how fast the time goes. I have been thinking about blogging again as an outlet for... stuff, specifically fertility stuff.
I don't know if anyone will read this but I feel I must write down something.
Anyway, to start, this past July 2009 I finished my Master's in Deaf Ed. What an achievement I think! I am so happy and I enjoyed it immensely. I had the pleasure of rooming with 3 other Master DHH students but they were just beginning. I was a bit envious about the journey they are to embark on as there has been some changes to the program, but, I am glad I am finished.
The other adventure Dan and I have embarked on is trying to start a family... this is where major hurdles are occurring and which will be the topic of my next posting and possible the next postings after that.
So, if you are interested, stay tuned. If not, no worries.
I don't know if anyone will read this but I feel I must write down something.
Anyway, to start, this past July 2009 I finished my Master's in Deaf Ed. What an achievement I think! I am so happy and I enjoyed it immensely. I had the pleasure of rooming with 3 other Master DHH students but they were just beginning. I was a bit envious about the journey they are to embark on as there has been some changes to the program, but, I am glad I am finished.
The other adventure Dan and I have embarked on is trying to start a family... this is where major hurdles are occurring and which will be the topic of my next posting and possible the next postings after that.
So, if you are interested, stay tuned. If not, no worries.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
the good and the bad
Wow, it has been a long time writing - Life with Dan is pretty darn good. I am still working on my Master's but I will be finished at the end of July 2009! I will then be able to celebrate my anniversary with my husband next year - for our fourth.
The bad - we have been trying to have a baby. No such luck. We have moved to the next step to get medical intervention to help us achieve this. Our first try with help will be in August. I sure hope it works. It is the least expensive so we hope it works. We will try 3 rounds of this before the big IVF.
One of the hardest thing to deal with is the waiting when we were attempting just with the two of us. The other is not to get depressed and then lament of the unfairness of it all - be it real or imagined.
So, if anyone out there reads this, please send happy thoughts, prayers, and talk to whatever power that is that we will be successful in creating a beautiful new life.
The bad - we have been trying to have a baby. No such luck. We have moved to the next step to get medical intervention to help us achieve this. Our first try with help will be in August. I sure hope it works. It is the least expensive so we hope it works. We will try 3 rounds of this before the big IVF.
One of the hardest thing to deal with is the waiting when we were attempting just with the two of us. The other is not to get depressed and then lament of the unfairness of it all - be it real or imagined.
So, if anyone out there reads this, please send happy thoughts, prayers, and talk to whatever power that is that we will be successful in creating a beautiful new life.
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